I wish I could carry
Your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low

“All Out of Love”
Lost in Love
Air Supply

The holidays are now officially over. Time to take a deep sigh of relief. I think many people have high expectations for the holiday season; too many have expectations that are so unreasonably high that they cannot possibly attain them. By the end of the day, the hopes and dreams of a “perfect family Christmas” have been so irrevocably dashed that it’s impossible to really enjoy the things that actually went right.

Although I don’t usually voice it, there are a few advantages of not having anyone left in my family of origin. One of them is that I don’t have the same craziness around the holidays. On the flip side of that, however, is the fact that my lack of family is very acutely felt this time of year. Especially since all the women in the family had December birthdays. My beloved Grandma’s birthday was the day after Christmas, so for me it can give me a double dose of the lonelies. I am very thankful for my current family, who bring me great joy and peace and comfort. But unless you have lost the people you grew up with, it’s hard to understand how much of your life support and communal memory you lose when they are gone.

It’s been almost ten years, and there are still times when I miss Grandma as if she had just died last week. Sometimes it’s when I don’t remember an experience from childhood and I wish she was there to ask. Sometimes it’s when I’m having an extraordinarily bad day and I wish I had my biggest cheerleader there to bring up my spirits. And sometimes it’s when I have some fantastic news to share, because I know she would have been so excited for me.

I had wanted to write this entry on Grandma’s birthday, but I didn’t get around to it. She’d totally laugh, because that’s so me. I wanted a great song that would stand as a tribute to her. One of the great things we shared during my burgeoning adolescence was a love for Air Supply, and one of the things I miss most was being able to sing the two-part harmony with her whenever we heard a song. Recalling that, I dug through my memory to find a song that would fit the occasion. Surprisingly, I didn’t have to search far. Her favorite song held the key.

Memory is a wonderful thing, because when we have those moments of longing, we can use it to look back at the things that made our shared lives so wonderful. Truth be told, we wouldn’t have the longing if we did not have the memories to spur us. So while our memories may remind us of the loss and holes in our lives, they also show us how beautiful and important people were to us while they were here. Writing this entry was a good reminder that while I miss Grandma during the down times because she’s not here, I miss her because of what she gave me while she was here. Confidence, comfort, and courage were the gifts she gave to me during her presence. And I still carry these, and her smile, with me everyday of my life. I don’t need to wish it. It just happens because I loved her so much.

If you experienced the loss of a loved one, relation or otherwise, what is it that you carry with you? Consider that it not only stands as a reminder of their loss, but of what they were while they were present. Celebrate the life that you shared and let that be what brings you comfort. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that the reason we miss someone is because they were so wonderful. And there is joy and comfort to be found in that.

I love you, Grandma. And you’re with me always.

Advertisement